You don’t realize how much you miss something or how much it was a part of you until you taste it once again after several months. Okay, so it’s only been about two and a half months, but it seems like forever.
Thailand is known for its tea and boy, is it good, but it’s nothing like the English Breakfast tea I used to have every morning.
Growing up, my Nanny (Grandma) ingrained a good cup of tea into me. She was born and raised in England, so tea was essential for everything. You’re mad? Have a cup of tea. You’re sad? Have a cup of tea. You’re happy? Have a cup of tea. You’re sick? Have a cup of tea. You’re worried? Have a cup of tea.
There wasn’t anything a good cup of tea couldn’t fix.
Since I’ve been in Thailand, I haven’t had a drop of good English tea. You might think I’m crazy, because they have so many other good teas here. Yes, they do. The Thai and green teas are amazing. Some are packed with sugar and each place has unique twists on teas. You can get lemon, taro, green, Thai, and so much more.
But they’re not the same.
Lately, I’ve been in a funk. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life or where I’m going. Everything I do seems to be a failure. Everywhere I turn I see so many others being successful, and I can’t figure out how they did it. I’ve tried their tactics but it doesn’t work for me. I don’t have that Instagram beauty or the popularity for Facebook or the patience for Twitter.
I’ve always spoken my opinions so that’s cost me quite a bit. I can’t seem to be able to give up who I am to become what I want to be. It seems you have to do that these days, but why? Why should I sacrifice that? Can’t I just work really hard?
Each day seems to get hotter here. I thought about skipping town and heading back home, but why? I’d go home to no job, no apartment, no car, and feeling a complete failure.
Everyone keeps talking about the impending heat. The kind of heat which makes you pass out, and the humidity on top of it makes it hard to breathe. I looked at their average temperatures. They’re about 104°F or sometimes a bit more. We get that hot in Texas quite often, though, more in July and August. If I escaped the “Thai” heat here, I’d only be going back to more heat. What’s the point? At least here I’d have a job and some money coming in.
The people here are great, but I can’t help feeling that something’s missing. I’m slightly missing home, but what I’m missing more is escaping. Escaping to a new place, seeing new sights, and having a good income. Compared to Thai’s I make a decent income but for an American I’m basically poor. I don’t even have enough money to go home, but I will have enough to go to another part of Asia.
Teaching has been harder than I imagined. I was expecting to teach older kids, but I got stuck with 6-7 year-old’s. I barely can have a conversation with them, and I feel as if everything I do isn’t working. There are times they impress me, but too many times I’m working on getting them to listen.
What I’m having to teach is so basic that I feel as if I’m slowly losing my mind. What happened to the quick witted side? What happened to the challenges? What happened to thinking outside the box? All of that has gone out the window. I’m slowly losing my mind having to dumb things down. It’s harder than you think teaching little kids. I miss my old job. I miss the challenges. I miss feeling accomplished.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I remember why I like to teach. The kids make me remember there is a purpose but sometimes it gets overwhelming.
Fortunately, I’ve had my parents to talk to and David, but I keep thinking of what my Nanny would say, “Have a cup of tea.”
Well, today I went out and got some English Breakfast tea and had a cup. I can’t tell you how much it has changed my mood. Everything seems to be clearer. I’m able to settle my mind enough to figure out what I want to do and what I need to do.
I didn’t realize how much I missed it and how much I needed it until I had some after two and a half months. It’s a little piece of home I can take everywhere with me. It’s a little piece of Nanny I know I have to knock the sense back into me.
No one ever said the road to doing what you love was going to be easy, but they sure as hell didn’t tell me how much I’d have to fucking fail.
Whenever you’re disappointed, angry, frightened, or have no fucking clue what you’re doing or where you’re going… have a cup of tea. The world will seem a lot clearer.