There’s always going to be a time when you miss someone from the past; whether it’s a good friend, a toxic relationship, or the love of your life. Looking through photos has brought back so many memories.
Two years ago, I was in a toxic relationship. Yes, it wasn’t always good, but we did have our moments when we were happy. It was when we weren’t in a relationship that we were the happiest. It was then he told me how he truly felt and what he thought.
I saw a photo from one of the rooftop bars in Austin. He held me close as he kissed my cheek. I was smiling from ear to ear and hugging him back. It was the first time since our breakup that we were both laughing and having fun.
Sometimes you feel you shouldn’t remember the happy moments of a toxic relationship. Why should you when he treated you so horribly? How could you have had even one moment of happiness? Why bother remembering?
Remembering makes you reflect. It reminds you of what used to be and how much things have changed. While times were bad, there were brief moments of happiness. Those are the moments the keep you lingering in a toxic relationship. You know there’s a good person there even if other people can’t always see it. That’s why it’s so hard to break away. You know you’re hurting a truly kind person, but sometimes you need to do it to help yourself.
I won’t lie. While it was a bad relationship, there were moments we were truly happy. He
even met my parents at one point. We felt like we were in a real relationship. We did the whole dating aspect, the going to see new places sometimes, company picnics, Netflix, cooking for each other, caring for each other, and even giving each other apartment keys. He would surprise me with flowers when work got hectic. It was the first time I’ve ever cried after receiving flowers.
Silly isn’t it? That’s beside the point.
Whether good or bad, a relationship of any kind will teach you what you do and don’t want. You may not like the way you learn, but the fact that you do is worth it.
After my last relationship, I didn’t think I’d be in one for a long time; and to be honest, I haven’t been. It’s not that there hasn’t been any opportunities; it’s that none of them have been worth it. Each one has left me with a broken heart, and I’ve left them with a few broken hearts as well.
When I came to Thailand, I knew I wasn’t going to be intimate with anyone. How in the world was I going to find someone here? They’re all Asian. No offense, but I’m not particularly attracted to that. It just doesn’t float my boat.
But this past weekend changed a few things. I actually met some more English speaking people besides my coworkers. They were all wonderful, and I found that I’ve still got game. A little too much game over the weekend to be honest.
Anyways, it made me realize that I do want something. Flings are nice here and there. They’re good right now, because I have no clue where I’m going to be next semester or the one after that. I don’t know where I’m going in my life, so why start a relationship? But it’s not that simple.
Flings can get old, and each one is a disappointment. There’s not that passion you find with someone when you’re in a relationship with them.
You know that passion where you feel as if you can truly be yourself? Where you feel invincible? Where everything is hot and heavy? Where all you think about is them and you feel like the luckiest person alive?
Yeah… that kind of passionate.
That’s the kind I miss. The kind where you don’t have to be intimate all the time. You can just chill in bed together, try new things, go exploring together, etc. That’s the kind of intimacy and relationships I miss.
I thought I’d still be dead set on not dating while working overseas, but things are changing each day. I’m realizing that I do want someone beside me, but someone who has the same passion as me. I think it’s possible, but there just hasn’t been the right man yet.
It’s funny how a certain picture can spark a memory and new thoughts. Old photos are good though; they remind you how much you’ve changed and the places you’ve gone. They’re a simple reminder of who you were, are, and will be.
Dreams, places, and people might change, but each day is another photo you can add to your book. They’ll be there for you to look back on and maybe show your kids one day. So make sure to make each day memorable with the people around you and savor those times. Who knows where they might take you or what you might learn.